Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
