she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
