She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
