if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
