My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize