Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
