I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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