if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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