Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
