Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
