He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
