He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
