Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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