if you like me you must not know who I am
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
