Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
