A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You did what with his pubic hair?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
