I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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