Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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