my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
