I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
