i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
