it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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