Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
