He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
