the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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