You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
