I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
