Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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