the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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