My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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