My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
