I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
party gras won. party gras always wins.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
