Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
