I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
