mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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