His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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