last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
