TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
