The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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