Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
