So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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