Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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