She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
