We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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