Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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