i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
