When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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