Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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