im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
