just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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