Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize