the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I didn't notice because vodka
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
