Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
