can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
