And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
