I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
