She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
